Decisions, or Not

I was listening to my brother David describe the details of embedding pipe stem in the concrete foundation of his workshop he’s about to build. I was about to ask him what happened if he decided to go with a different method of building the wall instead of the panels he has planned.

Suddenly, I had an epiphany. This was why I don’t make firm decisions.

I wouldn’t say I have a hard time making decisions. But I don’t enjoy it and usually end up leaving it to circumstances or whoever else is involved to decide. To get the connection, you have to understand that I am a programmer and a big part of what makes me good at it is my ability to run through the various possibilities and check out the logic. If I concentrate, I can run code in my head just like the computer, and I’ve been put on code inspection teams several times and found errors the developer just couldn’t find.

In my normal mode, I guess that there is some form of this going on all the time. What brought it out was a very concrete (!) example. As David was telling me about using pipe stem instead of anchor bolts in the foundation, my mind skipped ahead to “what if you change your mind and don’t do wall panels?” and I was able to catch the utter stupidity of such a question. Of course when you are building a building, you have decided what type of walls you are using before you start. But it allowed me to see what my mind is always doing: “the what if dance”.

To make a decision, you just decide. But when I need to decide something, I keep looking at all the ways it could be different or better or how the situation could change. So it’s more comfortable not to decide (which is also a decision) than to miss a possibility.

The amazing thing to me is that I was able to make this connection, in the middle of a conversation. Actually, I wasn’t sure that epiphany was the correct word to describe it, so I looked it up on dictionary.com. The definition was exactly what I had.

epiphany: a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

I can’t explain intuition!

So now I know what makes me do what I do, I doubt it will change much. I will still tend toward the comfortable. And I think that my brain is just wired for thinking this way. It definitely would not be comfortable to train it to think differently. But I can catch myself looking at possibilities and just decide.