Rebel Part of Me

Steve to Joy:
Well, I guess and hope you made it to your destination OK.
I went out to the art deal at Nuevo Cafe. The artist, whom I talked with, was pretty good, He had traveled a lot in Mexico and painted people mostly.
I then went to the Surf Club and listened to a band that was OK.
Talked to a few people that were OK. All in all in was OK.
But hey, what about the Best Day of Our Life? Is this all there is? I guess waking up with you, kissing you, holding you and having your love makes for a damn good Best Day. Thanks
Let me hear from you……….
me

Joy to Steve:
I got here about 4pm. Mama was sitting out by the pool. It’s still hot and David is only now cooking supper. Laurie will go soon.
I love you.

Too bad your evening was just OK. You need a great life! Maybe new writers?
But it sounds like more what you enjoy than you do when I am there.
I’m missing you.

Steve to Joy:
OK, just stop it with the “you have more fun when I am not there”!
I have to do something with myself. I came home from work and slept all I could.
I don’t like to be alone all of the time.
Some times I do.
It sounds to me that you are looking for excuses to leave me alone. Touché.
I did not find love like I do when you are here.
I do have a part of me that will not die that wants to misbehave. I can’t seem to kill it. I don’t think you love that part of me.
It has always been here inside. I am a rebel and seek ways to express it.
Sad attempts to feel freedom. Not really real but for today, the Very Best Day Ever, it is all I can muster. These Best Days Ever have much to teach me. They are not what I imagined.
The ‘rebel’ part is in response to my experience. Much has not been to my liking over the years. I really can’t complain but I can thumb my nose to life by saying to hell with your virtues.
But you are there and I am here (alone…….I had to sneak out to keep them all from following me home)
I am still yours.

Jackson Browne (Alive In The World) Lyrics:
I want to live in the world, not inside my head
I want to live in the world, I want to stand and be counted
With the hopeful and the willing
With the open and the strong
With the voices in the darkness
Fashioning daylight out of song
And the millions of lovers
Alive in the world

I want to live in the world, not behind some wall
I want to live in the world, where I will hear if another voice should call
To the prisoner inside me
To the captive of my doubt
Who among his fantasies harbors the dream of breaking out
And taking his chances
Alive in the world

To open my eyes and wake up alive in the world
To open my eyes and fully arrive in the world

With its beauty and its cruelty
With its heartbreak and its joy
With it constantly giving birth to life and to forces that destroy
And the infinite power of change
Alive in the world

To open my eyes and wake up alive in the world
To open my eyes and fully arrive in the world
To open my eyes and wake up alive in the world
To open my eyes and fully arrive in the world

Joy to Steve:
“Sad attempts to feel freedom.”
What you might learn one of these days is that the rebel part of you expressed ‘freedom’ by escaping using chemical means starting from an age when there was something to rebel against. It doesn’t actually work for you anymore because there is nothing to rebel against in that arena.
Nobody cares if you go out, drink, stay up late, or do whatever you used to do to get that sense of freedom. So now it just feels empty and not as satisfying as you labeled it for all those years. Some people get stuck in that rut, with the label running the show. But some people can evolve beyond all that and find ways to generate excitement and adventure that aren’t hazardous to their health, and actually contribute to enhancing the world or at least their corner of it.
You have some notion that I don’t love that part of you. Not true. I love all of you, the sum total. I just don’t want to be around when you are chemically altered from the you I know and love, because then I have to interact with the chemical and not you. There is a barrier, and it is not you I experience. It is really nothing to do with virtue or judgment of you.
If you can imagine a Best Day Ever, I’d say try to live it! You would at least learn whether what you thought was best, is best, or not.
As I was driving here, I was thinking about what my day would look like if I had a house and yard and could do whatever. What would I fill the day with? I had a hard time coming up with something. Maybe I’m just content with very little, or have no imagination. David was watching a thing on TV last night about a woman that was brain damaged from a car wreck. She had to relearn everything. We were both saying how our lives are not much to look at…we haven’t done anything. But then I asked him what would be a significant something that we would say that we had accomplished a lot.
Neither of us knew that either.

I love you. I’ll stop with the whining. I do like to hear what you’re up to (it’s more than I’m doing). I don’t want to leave you alone. I want to be there with you. We both need to learn our lessons and then it’ll be even better together. Right?

Steve to Joy:
Everything is perfect just the way it is.
Me, in my perfect/imperfect state will not change. I have a destiny and always have. I am here to explore, find treasure, of the mind and heart..
So many have I found. But it is like I have found golden, enlightening, true revelations ……………….. of smoke. Wow, what revelations! Truly! But as soon as they are found they are gone. Oh what treasure they were!…… if only I could recall.
That is excitement to me. It only leaves me with vague remembrances, such as dreams do. And what do I learn? All the answers I seek! Sad to realize how fleeting those answers are. If I could remember I could change the world! I could rule the world!
“But this old world will never change”. The world creates souls like me. It only wants to be, now and then, reminded of the truth. But truth can be boring, so boring, so eternal. In a world where eternity is inescapable illusion is of great value. So much so that people are willing to kill others to obtain the fools gold they imagine.
Luckily I have no illusions that want to destroy others, their life or their spirit. I am a wimp. My illusions include the good of others, even if it means my life will diminish. (it is just an illusion, I don’t hurt others if I can help it). I am a weak spirit by choice. I would rather suffer a dismal existence sugar coated by illusion that I am happy than exploit others I have the chance to be lord over. Sick, weak, stupid, soft hearted, cowardly……….. my badge of dishonor and I wear it proudly. May what ever powers that be in this world and life break my spirit, cripple, mark as lowly in the face of the lowest of mankind if only to keep my soul from ever feeling superior to my fellow man.
This is also just egotistical attempts to justify my way. I still have my good and bad in the eyes of life. Anyone, and I mean anyone, who understands has a choice. “Now, I know. They don’t.”
As for you and me …………… I try my best to be good for you. ‘Joy’ is like me…..’perfect/imperfect’. Your perfect parts: innocent, sterling, unique, real, genuine, sweet hearted, good, smart …………………….. imperfections: hard headed, inexperienced in the dark side, closed to outsiders of your ‘family’ , intolerant of actions not in line with the strengths taught to you by an exceptional mother (how you were raised),
I am drawn by your genuine, sweet heartedness toward the ones you choose to love, innocence, intelligence, natural beauty (not to mention the love you have and give to me).
I love you.
As I am



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